who wants to have a good laugh?

Remember how about a week ago I wrote about waking up with pink eye? Well yesterday I had just gotten back to work after making a Shopper’s Drug Mart/Tim Horton’s run with a friend and was doing something on my computer when I started to notice that the same eye felt kind of itchy.  I didn’t pay much attention at first but after a few minutes it started to feel like it was swelling up again so I went to have a look-see in the bathroom.  Sure enough, the inside bottom corner of my eye lid was getting red and swollen.  I was worried that I had gotten something in it so used the crappy hand soap at work to try to wash it out to no avail.

Within a few minutes the top of my eye lid also started to get kind of puffy and after some discussion with a dear friend who I have the great privilege of also working with, I decided to boot it home.  If this was going to be a repeat of last time, I thought, we are in for a real treat.  In fact, when I rushed out of the office for the subway I was pretty sure that by the time I got home I would look something like this…well minus the pirate hat…and suspenders…

sorry Sloth…I know that you have a beautiful soul

While waiting for the subway to come I checked my phone for the time and saw something quite unnerving.  A text message, from a number I did not know, and all it said was “Your Xmas present”.  Before I get into the next part, please keep in mind that I was born and spent most of my childhood in the former USSR where paranoia was as much a part of daily life as breathing.  As soon as I saw this mysterious text message my mind started racing with all sorts of “plausible” theories about how my allergic reaction was the work of some evil mastermind either working on his/her own or as part of a greater organization.  Was this the work of someone I had wronged in the past?  Was it is the KGB getting back at me for having defecting and they were going to wear me down one eye infection at a time?  Or, was it just a coincidental wrong number text?  Suddenly everyone was a suspect.  Those TTC employees on the subway that kept looking at me.  That five year old kid.  That sinister dog with the shifty eyes.  No one could be ruled out.

By the time I got out of the subway my cycle of thoughts were as follows:

Oh God, someone is out to ruin me.  I am going to access my bank account and have nothing left.  And then I will contact friends and they’ll pretend they don’t know me.  And I will be all alone.  Even my cat will turn his back on me.

No, no.  Calm down.  That was just a coincidental text.  Who do you think you are anyway?  No one important enough for someone to mess with in this capacity.  Get a grip.

What the heck is going on with my eye anyway?

I’m hungry.


I then texted my friend at work and told her about the mysterious text.  “Am I being bio terrorized?” I asked.  But I also added a “ha ha”.  You know, so that if someone WAS spying on me and able to look at my phone they wouldn’t get the satisfaction of thinking they really got to me.  (USSR remember?!)  My friend and I decided that this was just a funny coincidence but I was determined to find out who texted me.  So of course I texted back.

Me: “?”

Them: [no response]

Minutes later,

Me: “Hellllooooooooooo?”

Them: [no response]

Damn.  I’m done for.

By the time I walked in the door of my apartment my eye felt a lot better.  Suckers must not have used enough poison, I figured. The swelling was mostly gone and the itching had disappeared.  I decided I was well enough to get on the computer and finish out my work day.  I logged into my work e-mail and saw a new message from a friend of mine.

Subject line: Did you just get my text message?

Body of email: The cat mug photo. I was sending it from someone else’s phone!

Mystery solved.

-The Postliminary-

As for the actual mystery here of what happened to my eye, I am pretty baffled.  The best I can come up with is that it is related to the hives I sometimes get in other places that swell up within a few minutes only to disappear within half an hour.  Not really sure if that is a true allergic reaction or just my body being silly.  They have never been serious enough, or lasted long enough for me to be concerned, so I am choosing not to really worry about it for now.


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