I have been thinking a lot recently about how to find the balance between emotion and I don’t even know what to call it, spirit stillness or calmness perhaps? I recently went through some unpleasantness concerning another person and I chose to handle the situation not by getting angry at them and blaming them for my unhappiness, but rather to look at my own reactions to their behaviour and deal with those emotions. I really actively tried to not let anger and negative feelings overtake me and any time they came up I instead tried to send the person love while also examining what it was about them, or me, or the situation that was making me angry. I really tried to take the “Buddha on a mountain top” approach, as I call it. You can never change people, you can only change your reaction to events so I chose to focus on that.
However, as time went on I felt like I was not moving on from the situation. It kept coming up in my thoughts and was making me depressed and irritable and yeah, fucking angry! And one day I just decided to let myself be angry. Like really take it out on them in my head and blame them for how they made me feel and what they put me through. I will be honest, it felt good. But for all of about 20 minutes. After that I just couldn’t shake the feeling that I was giving into toxic thoughts because I believe that whether we look to others for happiness or as a source of our own displeasure, we are giving up our power to be our own person and manifest our own joy.
The struggle I am having with now is that while the situation was happening (sorry I am being so vague here but I would rather keep this bit private) I really refrained from getting irritated or confronting this person in the way I did in my head on the day that I let myself be mad. In retrospect, I feel like I was disrespected in more than a few ways and although it is in the past I can’t shake the feeling that even Buddha on his mountain might actually have reason to once in a while say “ummm…hey, you’re being a jerkface”.
Or would he? You have to let people know when they are in the wrong or when they are hurting your feelings right? But if I would only be doing it not to help them, but to make myself feel better, to feel like I had my say, is there really a point? Is it productive? And would I have actually felt better? I know that I can’t let everything just slide off my back, nor should I have to, but communication coming out of anger and hurt is often the most destructive. And I guess when I came to see the situation from a place of love, there kind of wasn’t anything left to say. I dealt with it on my own and found my own peace.
But did this actually look like I don’t have a backbone? Was I being cowardly by accepting someone’s shitty behaviour?
I really don’t know.
– The Postliminary –
The one thing that I will actually be grateful to this person for is for forcing me and challenging me to even think about these things again. I kind of neglected all of the “soul searching” and personal spiritual growth stuff for a while and they forced me to refocus and get back into it. So I suppose there really was a silver lining in this whole business, but let me tell you, sometimes the silver linings are the most difficult and heart breaking things to get to. However, forcing yourself to face hard truths and make continual progress forward will always, ALWAYS trump self-ignorance or denial.
It’s just that no one ever said it would be easy…